I have issues. Well, I have food issues, too many of them to list here. Don't we all have issues with food? Well, except my dear husband, who eats whatever whenever and seems to not care at all about it. I envy that. I wish I could sit down to a nice plate of (rice) pasta and not look at the total carbohydrates minus fiber to get the net carbs, then mentally tally how many carbs are in what I've eaten the rest of the day.
I gained five pounds within a few weeks of pastry school. Then in the bread unit, I found three more. Would have been at least double that if I wasn't constantly watching my calories and counting those mind numbing weight watcher points. But as careful as I was, I still gained, and gained, and gained. Today I sit before you TWELVE pounds heavier than my wedding day. I am now a solid 15 pounds away from my goal weight, instead of the three I was on my wedding day.
What is goal weight anyway? To me, it is the holy mecca, the ultimate thing I will be when I am no longer embarassed when my shirt rides up and reveals that fleshy bit over my jeans. I am still within a "normal" BMI, but I look in the mirror, and I still think the person staring back at me is 200 pounds. Or more.
I think the day on my honeymoon cruise when I took off the "skinny jeans" and started wearing my "fat jeans" was the day I gave up. It is such a complex thing, food, emotions, fat jeans, skinny jeans- I have so much baggage, it's no wonder that my skinny jeans don't fit anymore. Or if they did, I would probably look like a total ass.
I bounce around from one low carb variation to the next, bouncing from one day where I'm eating 1,000 calories to eating about 1750. On weekends, I eat 2200, and that is bad news on the scale.
I'm a monster. Or am I just human?
Why can't I sit down to that bowl of pasta, or my latest pastry creation, and ENJOY it? I did that once or twice when I was closer to my goal weight, and it was great. But you can't really do that when you're losing weight, can you?
It's time for boot camp, it's time for me to eat lean protein and non starchy veggies. It's time to cut out all the bs noise- the two dieticians, three doctors, and countless people who told me my "Weight gain" was all in my head, who told me it was OK to eat carbs, etc. I have a wheat allergy, which is- hello- why I've gained weight I don't want. That and my metabolism isnt what it used to be, but that's another post.
for now, I'm not going to start tomorrow, today is what matters.
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